This post has been haunting me for three weeks now. It has been playing on my mind, knowing it needs to be said but knowing how, or where to even begin. My writing brain just shuts down completely every time I think about writing this post. So I m not going to think, just going to write.
What are the right words, what is the correct way to say, life as I know it, will never be the same? The social stigma that comes with my new title feels like I am constantly being watched, judged for what I did or didn’t do to end up in this situation. The polite offers for help, more so out of societal expectation than sincerity, it is all too much. Very few people even know what has happened, save for an exclusive circle of people I trust, both virtually and in real life. So, what has changed?
I am… I am now a single mother. Just typing those two words leaves a bad taste in my mouth and an insatiable desire to hide away from the world until I wake with everything back the way it was. Back to normal, whatever that means.
I feel like I should be angry, or even upset. But somehow, emotions escape me. It just doesn’t make sense, none of this makes sense. Aren’t I supposed to be a blubbering mess? Shouldn’t I be experiencing a nervous breakdown at the very thought of raising my son, our son, on my own?
The hardest part of all of this is the the fact that it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. Sure, he has moved out and we are no longer “intimate” but that’s about it. I still see him nearly every day, he still takes Ryder and I town when the weather’s bad, still talk almost nightly on the phone. I am thankful that things are still civil for Ryder’s sake, but it makes it hard to move on when things don’t really feel “over”. I feel like I’m being held in limbo, not quite in a relationship but not quite single either. It is eerie.
For now I am keeping day to day life as normal as possible for Ryder. Our days are spent building block towers, reading and drawing. The house swings rapidly between looking like a toy factory exploded in our living room to looking showhome clean. I am also decluttering and organising the rest of the house to be ‘my way’, so that has largely determined how presentable the main living areas are in any given day.
In many ways I know that I am better off single, I just wish things were a little more ‘final’ so i can get my head around it all. Fingers crossed Child Support will process our application this week so we can finalise a ‘parenting plan’ instead of everything being up the air.
So that’s that, nearly three years just gone out the window. Poof, gone. Let’s see what the next three years bring, shall we?