The Right Words to Say

This post has been haunting me for three weeks now. It has been playing on my mind, knowing it needs to be said but knowing how, or where to even begin. My writing brain just shuts down completely every time I think about writing this post. So I m not going to think,  just going to write.

What are the right words, what is the correct way to say, life as I know it, will never be the same? The social stigma that comes with my new title feels like I am constantly being watched, judged for what I did or didn’t do to end up in this situation. The polite offers for help, more so out of societal expectation than sincerity, it is all too much. Very few people even know what has happened, save for an exclusive circle of people I trust, both virtually and in real life. So, what has changed?

I am… I am now a single mother. Just typing those two words leaves  a bad taste in my mouth and an insatiable desire to hide away from the world until I wake with everything back the way it was. Back to normal, whatever that means.

I feel like I should be angry, or even upset. But somehow, emotions escape me. It just doesn’t make sense, none of this makes sense. Aren’t I supposed to be a blubbering mess? Shouldn’t I be experiencing a nervous breakdown at the very thought of raising my son, our son, on my own?

The hardest part of all of this is the the fact that it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. Sure, he has moved out and we are no longer “intimate” but that’s about it. I still see him nearly every day, he still takes Ryder and I town when the weather’s bad, still talk almost nightly on the phone. I am thankful that things are still civil for Ryder’s sake, but it makes it hard to move on when things don’t really feel “over”. I feel like I’m being held in limbo, not quite in a relationship but not quite single either. It is eerie.

For now I am keeping day to day life as normal as possible for Ryder. Our days are spent building block towers, reading and drawing. The house swings rapidly between looking like a toy factory exploded in our living room to looking showhome clean. I am also decluttering and organising the rest of the house to be ‘my way’, so that has largely determined how presentable the main living areas are in any given day.

In many ways I know that I am better off single, I just wish things were a little more ‘final’ so i can get my head around it all. Fingers crossed Child Support will process our application this week so we can finalise a ‘parenting plan’ instead of everything being up the air.

So that’s that, nearly three years just gone out the window. Poof, gone. Let’s see what the next three years bring, shall we?

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11 thoughts on “The Right Words to Say

  1. Thanks for popping by my blog this morning, and nice to meet you “here”, however, I am deeply sorry to read the above post.
    Life does throw curve balls thats for sure, but trust in God and He will pull you and Ryder through. xx

  2. It is very sad that being a single mother is still such a big deal. As long as you do the best you can for your child–and from what little you’ve posted, seems like you’ve got that covered–who cares if it’s one parent or two or several members? I wish you and Ryder the best and will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes life doesn’t turn out exactly as we’d hoped and we just have to make the best of it. Hope the application is processed ASAP! Stay strong and hope you get as much support as you need.

  3. Good luck with everything. It is sad, but sometimes for the best. Like the first comment, it seems you have everything in hand and are sorting it out.
    As for the stigma. Be confident in yourself and your ability and don’t let anyone into your life that won’t be supportive. 🙂

  4. You are a very strong woman and Ryder couldn’t have a better Mum. I know the next three years will be filled with wonderful times and adventures. Remember to lean on those close to you when you need it.

  5. Sweetie, I know what you mean, and absolutely feel for you. Perhaps setting some boundaries about times to call etc might give you a little bit more sense of “being official”.

    Make plans that suits you and Ryder and go with it. 🙂

  6. What a hard time you are going through, it’s wonderful that you are able to open up like this. No stigma attached, none at all. It’s not 1952 and you are your own person and so is your partner.

    I think, though, and this is just a think as I’ve never experienced what you are going through, but I THINK that it will never be ‘over’ or more ‘final’ or ‘closed’ when you have a child. The door and relationship must always stay open and you’ll walk in and out of it as you need to. That’s what will be best for Ryan, anyway. Perhaps you will only feel ‘done’ when you meet someone new to take your partner’s place and so does he. But that relationship together? Still open. Always open. x

  7. Hi, I just read you lovely post about the morning and when you got to the part abourt snuggling into your son I just instantly thought you were a single mum. Sorry to hear that it is all so new for you. I was a single mum for a while, it can be tricky to come to terms with, even when you know it is for the best. Just breathe and give it time lovely. Sending you and your little one lots of fairy wishes and butterfly kisses

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